Visiting a Grave: What to Bring, What to Do There and How Long to Stay

Nobody teaches you how to visit a grave. The first time, most people stand there unsure whether to talk, sit, tidy or leave, and then feel they did it wrong. There is no wrong, but a little planning makes the visit easier and more worth the trip. Here is what to bring, what people do there, and how to go.

What to bring

• The location. Section, lot and grave number from the cemetery office or a Find a Grave photo. Large cemeteries are hard to search on foot. Our guide to finding a grave explains the numbering.
• Flowers that will stay put, in a cemetery vase, a saddle for the headstone or a staked vase. A loose bouquet is on the neighboring grave after the first wind.
• Water and a soft brush if you want to tidy the stone. Never bleach, wire or a pressure washer.
• Something to kneel or sit on. A folded towel or a small cushion. Cemetery grass is often wet.
• A bag for what you remove: old flowers, wrappers, leaves.
• Small tokens if they fit the place: a coin on a veteran's headstone, a stone on a Jewish grave, a small flag. Check the cemetery's rules first; glass, candles and balloons are usually not allowed.

What people do there

Most visits follow the same rough shape. Tidy first: brush off the marker, pull a weed, replace the old flowers with new ones. The small work settles you. Then stay a while. Some people talk out loud, telling the person the news, and find it is the most natural thing in the world. Some pray. Some sit in silence or read. Children can be given a job, such as placing the flowers or wiping the name, which helps them more than being told to be quiet. If you want to take a photograph of the grave for family who could not come, do it after the flowers are placed.

What to say

Whatever you would have said. "We're all fine. Jack started school." "I miss you." "I did not know what to do today so I came here." You are not performing for anyone, and the people at neighboring graves have all done the same. If talking feels foolish, it is enough to stand there.

How long to stay

As long as it takes, and that is usually shorter than you expect. Ten or fifteen minutes is common. Some people stay an hour on an anniversary. There is no rudeness in a short visit; the point is that you came. If the visit becomes too much, leaving is allowed.

Before you leave

Take your trash, straighten anything you knocked, and leave the grave tidier than you found it. Note the section and row if you had trouble finding it, so the next visit is easier. If you will not be back for a while, remember that most cemeteries remove fresh flowers once they wilt, so an arrangement that lasts, or a delivery timed to the next date that matters, keeps the grave from sitting bare. Our cemetery etiquette guide covers the rules of the grounds.