Supporting a Grieving Parent From Far Away

When one parent dies, the other is often left alone in a quiet house, and the children who would help are hundreds of miles away. Distance makes it hard to know what to do. These are small, steady things that help.

Keep a rhythm of contact

The calls and casseroles stop after a few weeks; grief does not. A regular call, the same day each week, gives your parent something to count on. Short is fine. A video call lets you see how they are actually doing, and whether the house, the fridge and the mail look looked after.

Mark the hard dates

The first birthday, the wedding anniversary, the first holidays and the anniversary of the death are the days that hit hardest. Put them in your calendar now and call ahead of them, not just on them. Our guide to the dates to mark in the first year lists them.

Help with what you can do from afar

• Offer to handle phone calls, forms or accounts that are easier online, with their permission.
• Line up local help: a neighbor, a friend from church, a grief group nearby.
• Send a meal delivery on a day you know will be hard.
• Ask what they would like help with, rather than guessing.

Look after the grave together

For many surviving parents, the grave is where they go to talk to the person they lost. If they can no longer drive or walk the cemetery easily, it can quietly become a worry. Having flowers placed on the dates that matter, with a photo sent to both of you, is a way to share that care across the distance. Our guide to what you can do when you can't visit a grave has more ideas.

Plan the visit

Pick a date and tell them. Having a visit to look forward to matters, and it gives you time together at the grave, around the house and over a meal.

When to worry

Grief is not something to fix. But if your parent stops eating, stops leaving the house, or talks about not wanting to go on, reach out to their doctor or local services. In the US, calling or texting 988 reaches the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.