The First Year After a Death: The Dates That Will Hurt, and What to Do at Each

Grief does not move in a straight line, but it does move around a calendar. The first year after a death has a handful of dates that people who have been through it will tell you to expect, and having a plan for each one, even a small one, is the difference between a day that flattens you and a day you get through. Here they are, roughly in the order they arrive.

Two weeks: the funeral flowers are gone

The cemetery clears the funeral flowers within a week or two. The first person to visit after that finds a bare mound and a temporary marker, and it is often a shock. What to do: place the first lasting arrangement, a silk one in a staked vase, so the grave is not bare while the headstone is being made. Our guide to the first visit covers what to expect.

One month: the quiet

The cards stop. The casseroles stop. The phone stops. This is when most people say the loss actually landed. What to do: nothing at the grave is required; this is the month to accept help and to say yes to the friend who asks you to lunch. If you are the friend, this is when to show up.

The first holiday

Whichever comes first: Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Mother's or Father's Day. The empty chair is the whole holiday. What to do: decide in advance who will go to the grave and when, and put flowers there before the holiday so the family that visits finds it tended. Do the holiday differently rather than trying to do it the same; most families find the same is impossible and the different is bearable.

The first birthday

The date that belonged to them. Many people find it harder than the anniversary of the death because it was a happy day for so long. What to do: their flower, in their color, at the grave that morning, and something they would have done that day. Our guide to birthday flowers has more.

Six months: the headstone arrives

Somewhere between six months and a year the permanent stone is set. Seeing the name carved in granite is its own event, and families often go together. What to do: make the first visit to the new stone a planned one, with flowers that fit it: a saddle for an upright stone, a vase arrangement for a flat marker. Our guide to saddles and vases explains which.

The wedding anniversary, if there is one

For a widow or widower, the most private date of the year, usually marked alone. What to do: if it is yours, plan the day; if it is your parent's, mark it for them. Our guide to anniversary flowers covers both.

The first anniversary of the death

People brace for this one for weeks, and it is often gentler than the bracing, because it is expected. Its real weight is that it closes the year of firsts. What to do: flowers at the grave, a gathering if the family wants one, and a deliberate decision about what the second year will look like: which dates you will keep at the grave, and which you will let go. Our guide to the anniversary has more.

After the first year

The second year is not easier so much as quieter. What most families keep, once the firsts are done, is two or three dates: the birthday, one holiday, the anniversary. Those become the family's own calendar, kept for decades, and the grave stays tended along with it.