Wedding Anniversary Flowers at a Grave: Keeping the Date After Losing a Spouse

Of all the dates a family keeps after a death, the wedding anniversary belongs to one person. Children remember the birthday and the day their parent died. The anniversary is the widow's or widower's alone, and it is usually kept quietly, at the grave, with flowers.

What spouses place

• The wedding flowers. The most common request. A silk version of the bouquet, or its colors, placed at the stone on the date. For couples married decades ago, an old photograph is enough to recreate it.
• Roses in the anniversary number. A dozen for the twelfth, twenty-five for the silver, or simply one for each year. Silk makes the number practical outdoors.
• The anniversary flower. Traditions assign a flower to some years: carnations for the first, daisies for the fifth, roses for the fifteenth, and so on. Few people follow them strictly, but they give a starting point.
• Two of something. Two roses, two lilies, side by side. It says what it means without a card.

For the spouse who visits

Many widows and widowers go to the grave on the anniversary and would not miss it. If that is you, having the arrangement already placed means you arrive to a grave that is ready, and you can bring a single fresh flower to add. If the cemetery is far, or the drive has become hard, having it placed and receiving the photo is the visit; there is no shame in that, and the grave is no less tended.

For the children

A widowed parent will rarely mention the anniversary and will almost always be thinking about it. Children who arrange for flowers at the grave, and send the photo with a line like "Forty-two years today. We remember it too," give their parent something they could not ask for: to have the date witnessed. Our guide to the anniversary of a death has more on marking someone else's date.

A note on the first anniversary after the death

The first wedding anniversary without a spouse is often harder than the funeral. It arrives without ceremony, without a crowd, and usually without anyone else knowing. If you are the one grieving, plan the day in advance: flowers at the grave, a meal you both liked, a call with someone who knew you as a couple. If you are the child or friend, mark the date. That is the whole instruction.

Keeping it going

Spouses who set up an annual delivery for the anniversary describe the same thing: relief. The date is handled. The flowers will be there whether the year has been good or bad, whether the drive is possible or not. The photo arrives, and the date has been kept, the way it was kept every year before.