Gold Star Families: What the Gold Star Means and Honoring a Service Member at the Grave

A Gold Star family is the family of a service member who died in service to the country. The term is used constantly in November and misunderstood almost as often. Here is where it comes from, what it entitles a family to, and how families honor a fallen service member at the grave.

Where the gold star comes from

During World War I, families hung a service flag in the window with a blue star for each immediate family member serving. When one of them died, a gold star was sewn over the blue. Congress formalized the service flag on October 17, 1942. The design is unchanged: the gold star sits over the blue so that a border of blue remains.

The Gold Star Lapel Button

Congress created the Gold Star Lapel Button on August 1, 1947, originally for the widows and parents of World War II dead. Under the current law, eligible next of kin include a surviving spouse, remarried or not; each parent, including stepparents and foster parents who raised the service member; each child, stepchild and adopted child; and each sibling, half sibling and stepsibling. Eligibility covers deaths in World War I, World War II and hostilities before July 1, 1958, and after that date deaths in action against an enemy, in conflict with a foreign force, while serving with friendly foreign forces in certain conflicts, and in terrorist attacks and peacekeeping operations.

No application is required; the button is normally presented before or shortly after the funeral. A family member who never received one, or whose button was lost, can apply with DD Form 3. Families of service members who died in a duty status but do not qualify for the Gold Star button may receive the Next of Kin of Deceased Personnel Lapel Button instead.

The days set aside

• Gold Star Mother's Day is the last Sunday of September by federal law, now generally observed as Gold Star Mother's and Family's Day.
• Gold Star Spouses Day is April 5.
• Memorial Day and Veterans Day bring most families to the cemetery, and Wreaths Across America lays wreaths at national cemeteries on December 19 this year.

At the grave in a national cemetery

Most fallen service members rest in VA national cemeteries, state veterans cemeteries or Arlington, and each has rules worth knowing before a visit:

• Fresh flowers are allowed at any time in VA national cemeteries, in the cemetery's own containers. Artificial flowers are allowed in a window each cemetery sets, always including the days around Memorial Day.
• Nothing may be attached to the headstone, and statues, glass, lights, balloons and permanent plantings are not permitted.
• Small flags are welcome. A coin on the headstone is a tradition cemetery staff treat with care, though it may eventually be collected.

Our guide to flowers at a national cemetery covers the details, and flag etiquette at a grave covers the flag.